Intentional parenting

Tag: resilience

  • Facebook live

    Thank you very much to all those who joined us at 3pm GMT. We were talking the challenges of parenting and Below is a short summary of some of the take-aways from the session.

    ✨Remember in our parenting journey, connection with our children is key. Be available mentally, emotionally and physically.

    ✨Prioritise your children. Let your diary and commitments reflect that. Remember with children love is spelt TIME.

    ✨It’s ok and totally acceptable as an african parent to apologise to your children when you get things wrong.

    🌟Faith community leaders, please have a heart for families. Do not hide under political correctness. Remember ‘what would Jesus do?’ and do just that. Consider the single parent homes with the heart of our Lord Jesus.


    We explored in depth the issue of supporting single parent homes and providing mentorship for vulnerable young men. There were issues around married men/pastors and leaders being fearful of supporting a single mother and worrying about being accused of all sorts of things. I concluded that if the CHURCH does not step in to have an impact on the congregants, someone else will and many a times these are bad guys that we don’t want near our children/ community. If we look at the county lines model; the drug dealer simply befriends and entice our children with gifts and promise of a bright future. We can adopt the same model. If youth pastors/ leaders took the same interest in our children, understand what they like, their fears, vulnerability, I believe we will win SOME of them over.

    We encouraged faith communities to have properly, well structured programs with safeguarding processes in place to offer mentorship programs.

    Jesus was very controversial in most of his relationships, driven by compassion and love for the marginalised as well as vulnerable. Remember the Samaritan woman at well? She had a thing with men yet Jesus risked all that.

    For parents struggling with children, please seek help. Don’t stew at home. There is a lot of help available from local authorities to charities such as Migrant Family Support and Father 2 father

    For more in-depth conversation, listen to link below:

    Remember you are not alone 💕

  • Diaspora living

    Life in diaspora has meant different things to us as a family. One of the many things we have learnt and embraced is eczema. Yes the severe dry skin. It may sound trivial but this dry skin showed us through our daughter that it can be a menace.

    Our beloved daughter was born with beautiful baby skin, the soft smooth skin that you expect in babies. Four weeks after birth, she woke up one morning covered in flat well spread rash. I didn’t think much of it, continued our bath time routine as usual. Two weeks later, she was crying and scratching her face. Like any diligent mom, I neatly trimmed her nails hoping that would solve the problem. A week went by and whilst breastfeeding, I noted the tiny scratches that she had made onto her face were yellow and crusty.

    By this time I was in second year nurse training, so I quickly indentified that there was infection somewhere. Our GP was amazing in prescribing the topical antibiotics, steroid cream as well to apply into her skin and some moisturising cream for ‘dry’ skin. Indeed within a couple days, we could see a marked improvement. Relived and delighted, we were. After all, it was Christmas by this time and the all important Family Christmas pictures!

    That was the beginning of a very long journey. A journey, we are hoping is taking us somehow remarkable and to a destination. We soon learnt about eczema from our lovely health visitor who had taken an interest on the condition amongst Migrants. Bewildered, overwhelmed and stressed, I read as much as I could about the condition, diagnosis, side effects treatments etc. I researched a lot!

    Both me and hubby had not heard of this ‘terrible’ condition. I prayed, each time I thought about it. I cried every time I read about the bio-psycho-social burden of the disease. I couldn’t understand why and how she had got it. I had kept healthy throughout my pregnancy, if anything, I was a freaky healthy eater. Some friends explained that it was the mackerel fish that I loved so much during pregnancy.

    Anyway, God is faithful, over the years we continued with the moisturing regimen, paying attention to the change of seasons. It was well managed and we didn’t have any problem. As soon as we saw the inflammation of joints, we diligently started the moisturising regimen. This means applying Cetraben ointment 4-5times a day and adding 2% hydrocortisone to the regimen until inflammation is settled. We kept the Cetraben bottles in different rooms in our house especially lounge so we moisturised whilst watching telly.

    Our challenge and testing time came when we moved house. The poor girl then aged 11years old, just woke up on new year’s eve with pitch black lips and eyelids. Initially, we thought she had eaten something that coloured her lips. Within a week, there was an aggressive flare up that got infected and wouldn’t respond effectively to steroids. She scratched the back of her neck and that quick y turned very ugly.

    Severe, oozing skin rash on black neck skin of a 11yr old female
    Skin rash- sensitive image

    It was time to see a dermatologist. What a fight that was to get NHS GP to refer. I fought like a mama bear that I am, was met with a lot of red tape and mis- diagnosis! Mind you I was now a fully qualified health visitor with extensive professional experience of supporting families with babies like mine. I had also become a professional champion for Eczema through the eczema Society.

    Believe it or not, I was the GP liaison health visitor for mY GP Practice, meaning I had professional links with the practice where we met once every month to discuss families registered on the practice with complex history and what support they were receiving as well as safeguarding concerns.

    I am not saying this meaning I needed preferential treatment rather to highlight the barriers families are facing today in our NHS. it takes a lot of will power and advocacy as a parent to be heard by professionals. Please don’t be discouraged and easily dismissed! As a parent, you know your child best, fight for their care.

    Even then, we needed antibiotics, days off school/ work. It was heartbreaking, stressful and frustrating. One Sunday afternoon, I took her to Accident and Emergency Department. I was fed up! Yes we waited 3hrs to be seen. Bloods were taken and thorough history as well as assessment was done. Her Vitamin D was very low 🙆🏽

    It turns out amongst cat allergens our baby girl had very low vitamin D levels. Since then we take Vitamin D supplements religiously in our house. Rightfully so! These sun pills are good for mental well being, reduces SAD and bone density in both young and old.

    Who knew what the magical African sun meant to us when we were growing up. Now I understand and appreciate why Africans are able to smile through life’s seasons 🌞🌞

    The department of health, recommends that people of African and Asian origin take vitamin D supplements throughout the year. You can buy these from the supermarket, boots or health shops such as holland and barratts. It’s important to follow the dose and stated by the department of health guidelines.

    When the sun is out, enjoy it.

    Resources:

    Vitamin D Guidelines from NHS-UK: https://www.nhs.uk/news/food-and-diet/the-new-guidelines-on-vitamin-d-what-you-need-to-know/

  • Fortitude

    The willingness or ability to go through challenging times with grace. Is it a gift, talent or inborn ability that is sharpened and honed through experience?

    I was privileged to have met and worked with some young women who survived the genocide in Rwanda. Their stories of horror, escape, loss and terror can only be heard once. The impact of their experiences on their bio-psychosocial well being was immense. What was amazing about these women was their willingness and ability to share their story. Very compelling. 

    I also worked with vulnerable families in parts of London. Stories of parents who were hooked on drugs, unable to parent their adorable children confronted me on most days. It was the case of a mother of 3, youngest was same age as my daughter, who had succumbed to the deadly addiction of heroin that broke my heart and I never went back. Their struggle, took the best out of them. Is it these kind of experiences from a distance that make us hold our own with dignity?

    Not privileged to compare or contrast the challenges of life, I look myself in the mirror with admiration. I am a fortiduous woman. Am I comparing myself to the above mentioned women? Not at the least. I have been fortunate, life has been kind and God has been gracious. I have been in the ring and He fought my battles. I’m grateful that I didn’t stay down too long for the referee to whistle a defeat. I could have been that mother, but Mercy spoke into my life and stood on my behalf.

     In my first blog, ‘Transnational parenting’  I explored the issue of postnatal depression. These sort of experiences, you only realise the depth, once you are the other side. Gods grace and love carries us through in those seasons, when we are just a shell being battered to and fro by the sea waves. One becomes a pearl,  a product of admiration and worth through the struggles. What’s amazing is that I was not that aware of His presence and sustainance then. I knew about Him as a God, not friend, helper. That one person I can have a relationship with. He has been gracious on this wonderful journey and I am getting to know Him better.

    Our experiences in life may want to define us at times.  It is up to us how we deal with that.  People around us or those who know us and our story may want to define us that way. Ultimately, the decision lies with you. The woman with the issue of blood in the Bible is one such character. She was associated/ identified with her problem. I guess when she was healed, people had to refer to her as the woman who was healed of the issue blood.


    Fortitude takes many forms. I could never have anticipated or imagined the pain of losing a sibling or loved one. It’s crippling! I was confused and literally dying too. The shock, pain and reality of that loss was incomprehensible. Death is painful to everyone but I guess it gets so complicated when you are abroad. The long flight home, being in transit, jet lag, the mourners and the  funeral itself. How do you eat the reheated airline food when your heart is sorrowful and heavy? 

    When you arrive you succumb to the heat, noises, decision making,  the crying and ofcourse the peering eyes. They will always be those who want to see what you are wearing and what you brought. I had not even taken a shower! Let alone travelled 15hours, passing through the equator in transit for that matter. Nearly missed the flight due to road works and traffic. How does one deal with all that in one go?

    My sister was bright, colourful and vivacious. She loved and understood my family and they got her too. Being single, she could afford the time to be with them whenever we visited home. They loved that, and I did too. The laughter they shared. She cared. She was a dreamer and goal getter. At most, she was a mother to my children  that I am not; patient, laid back and a child at heart.

    Then there is the other small but equally demanding stuff of fitting into a different society and culture. That, requires courage right there. I know a friend who couldn’t do ‘the London thing’ and had to go back home. She tells me she could not be happier; got a beautiful home in the westen suburbs, lovely job and her children are doing really well in a good private school. 
    It takes fortitude and a whole lot more to settle in diaspora. It is a far cry  from the glitz and glamour most people imagine it to be. It’s grafting in gruelling long hours. I’m reminded of the days I worked on the farm. That was my first job. Boy did I not cry my eyes out on the onion line.

    I recall making a long distance call after  first day at work to my mother and bowling on the phone booth. If you recall, these were public phones and there two other people waiting to use the phone.  I cried for the entire duration of my £5 worth of calling scratch card. Bless my poor mother, she kept saying to me:

    ‘Taura neni otherwise card rinopera”, meaning please talk to me before the phone credit finishes. 

    Indeed, the phone credit finished and I went home, straight to bed. In the morning I woke up and went to work. What was equally painful was hearing my then 1year old son babbling in the background.

    For me fortitude is an idea and a choice. I choose to be courageous for those who couldn’t. Whilst doing nursing degree I met some middle aged African nurses who had come under the adaption nurses program. These women were dynamic and highly skilled nurses who held positions of authority and high office in their home country. The cultural shift and expectation had left them as a mere pair of helping hands on the wards. Their despair and frustration was not hidden from their faces. It was ‘them’ who silently taught me to be fortidous. It is for them and many others that we stand and are courageous. 

    Above all, it is for those coming after us. Those who have a privilege of watching us closely, that we demonstrate courage in the face of fear. It is for our sons and daughters. 

    📌The issues of death, loss and bereavement can be crippling especially when you are abroad where you have to get on with it. The reality of expenses incurred to attend the funeral and the funeral itself can be soul destroying. It’s important to seek help, from family and friends if there are physically and emotionally there. In U.K. that’s quite rare, your GP can refer you on for counselling, talking therapies or to charities that deal with bearevement and loss.

    📌The same can be said of issues at work. Talking to someone about the challenges you are facing is good. This may not solve all your problems but it gives you thinking space. Hearing your own thoughts through voice can be liberating and empowering. Many a times, for those who are Christians, we leave everything in prayer. Prayer is great but it needs to be followed by action which is faith. Finding an independent counselling service is better.  Your union is a great source for advice and guidance, you are paying them, make use of their services.
    In U.K. migrant family support offer great services around the issues discussed. They can be contacted in their website signposted below:

    Life is for living. Live it to the full in good health, mind, body and spirit.

    Finally, be courageous and confident, for the Lord your God is with you always (Joshua 1, summarised).

    Courageous hope ❤
     

    http://migrantfamilysupport.co.uk/