Intentional parenting

Tag: motherhood

  • Mother’s day

    Normally mother’s day in our household is centred all on me. This morning I woke up with a groaning for those who are struggling with celebrating this day. I stand in prayer with those who are finding motherhood hard. Those who are battling depression, anxiety and frustration. Those mothers who are standing on their own today, remembering those who left them to do all the work. You are not on your own.💕

    My heart reaches out to those who feel unheard, unappreciated and unloved. I reach out to those whose children are faraway and you miss them so much! Receive His peace and courage today.

    To those who struggle everyday like myself in getting it right, I say let’s forgive ourselves and be kind to ourselves. Let’s walk in His abounding grace knowing that He who made us mother’s, qualified us .Praying Gods love, grace and hope to those who may find today difficult. We stand with those whose mothers are no longer with us. We remember those who have been trying for sometime and those whose babies are now in heaven. We pray for those who are on their knees for their children for one reason or the other. May you know His peace and enduring mercies.

    To the rest, keep on, keeping on and have a blessed Mother’s day. To my children, I love you ❤🙏🏽

  • Wealth and riches

    I choose my family.

    As a praying mother, I have realised that it takes more than wishing and wanting your family to be united in love hence I pray about it.

    As mothers there are so many things that scream for our attention: work, whatsapp groups, unending women’s activities, prayer/business conferences, ladies getaway breaks. Most of these things are very noble but what are we prepared to sacrifice in their place?

    What are you choosing day? Where are your riches?💝

  • Chapter 13

    This has come sooner that I had anticipated. Mixed emotions I do say! Part of me would love to have you remain my baby forever and the other gets really excited about the woman you are becoming.

    You are a beautiful flower to watch, blossoming in your thinking and understanding of your world and those around you. You challenge us as parents to be more and better. You encourage us to be better citizens and deepen our love in the things that set us on fire.

    You are amazing Bubu. I am not only saying so because I am your mom, those who take time to know you, will attest to that.

    I pray that you never lose your passion, strength and conviction for the things you love and believe in. That element of your personality, is a gift from God to you and the world, share it as often as you can.

    As you continue to tower over us, I want you to know that there is no limit to what you set your mind to accomplish.

    Enjoy being a teenager, it’s a unique era. I will try not to be anxious, not sure I have any anxiety left. Laugh more, it will keep your heart lighter and the sparkle in your eyes brighter. Take lots and lots of photos; selfies, food, travels, friends, and all, you will treasure them all.

    Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, you will learn from them. Remember you can never drink too much water.

    Above all, always know that He has you inscribed in the palms of His hands.

    Happy birthday sweetie.

    Enjoy the cake.

    Love you always and forever

    Mom x 🎉🎉🎂💕

  • Diaspora living

    Life in diaspora has meant different things to us as a family. One of the many things we have learnt and embraced is eczema. Yes the severe dry skin. It may sound trivial but this dry skin showed us through our daughter that it can be a menace.

    Our beloved daughter was born with beautiful baby skin, the soft smooth skin that you expect in babies. Four weeks after birth, she woke up one morning covered in flat well spread rash. I didn’t think much of it, continued our bath time routine as usual. Two weeks later, she was crying and scratching her face. Like any diligent mom, I neatly trimmed her nails hoping that would solve the problem. A week went by and whilst breastfeeding, I noted the tiny scratches that she had made onto her face were yellow and crusty.

    By this time I was in second year nurse training, so I quickly indentified that there was infection somewhere. Our GP was amazing in prescribing the topical antibiotics, steroid cream as well to apply into her skin and some moisturising cream for ‘dry’ skin. Indeed within a couple days, we could see a marked improvement. Relived and delighted, we were. After all, it was Christmas by this time and the all important Family Christmas pictures!

    That was the beginning of a very long journey. A journey, we are hoping is taking us somehow remarkable and to a destination. We soon learnt about eczema from our lovely health visitor who had taken an interest on the condition amongst Migrants. Bewildered, overwhelmed and stressed, I read as much as I could about the condition, diagnosis, side effects treatments etc. I researched a lot!

    Both me and hubby had not heard of this ‘terrible’ condition. I prayed, each time I thought about it. I cried every time I read about the bio-psycho-social burden of the disease. I couldn’t understand why and how she had got it. I had kept healthy throughout my pregnancy, if anything, I was a freaky healthy eater. Some friends explained that it was the mackerel fish that I loved so much during pregnancy.

    Anyway, God is faithful, over the years we continued with the moisturing regimen, paying attention to the change of seasons. It was well managed and we didn’t have any problem. As soon as we saw the inflammation of joints, we diligently started the moisturising regimen. This means applying Cetraben ointment 4-5times a day and adding 2% hydrocortisone to the regimen until inflammation is settled. We kept the Cetraben bottles in different rooms in our house especially lounge so we moisturised whilst watching telly.

    Our challenge and testing time came when we moved house. The poor girl then aged 11years old, just woke up on new year’s eve with pitch black lips and eyelids. Initially, we thought she had eaten something that coloured her lips. Within a week, there was an aggressive flare up that got infected and wouldn’t respond effectively to steroids. She scratched the back of her neck and that quick y turned very ugly.

    Severe, oozing skin rash on black neck skin of a 11yr old female
    Skin rash- sensitive image

    It was time to see a dermatologist. What a fight that was to get NHS GP to refer. I fought like a mama bear that I am, was met with a lot of red tape and mis- diagnosis! Mind you I was now a fully qualified health visitor with extensive professional experience of supporting families with babies like mine. I had also become a professional champion for Eczema through the eczema Society.

    Believe it or not, I was the GP liaison health visitor for mY GP Practice, meaning I had professional links with the practice where we met once every month to discuss families registered on the practice with complex history and what support they were receiving as well as safeguarding concerns.

    I am not saying this meaning I needed preferential treatment rather to highlight the barriers families are facing today in our NHS. it takes a lot of will power and advocacy as a parent to be heard by professionals. Please don’t be discouraged and easily dismissed! As a parent, you know your child best, fight for their care.

    Even then, we needed antibiotics, days off school/ work. It was heartbreaking, stressful and frustrating. One Sunday afternoon, I took her to Accident and Emergency Department. I was fed up! Yes we waited 3hrs to be seen. Bloods were taken and thorough history as well as assessment was done. Her Vitamin D was very low 🙆🏽

    It turns out amongst cat allergens our baby girl had very low vitamin D levels. Since then we take Vitamin D supplements religiously in our house. Rightfully so! These sun pills are good for mental well being, reduces SAD and bone density in both young and old.

    Who knew what the magical African sun meant to us when we were growing up. Now I understand and appreciate why Africans are able to smile through life’s seasons 🌞🌞

    The department of health, recommends that people of African and Asian origin take vitamin D supplements throughout the year. You can buy these from the supermarket, boots or health shops such as holland and barratts. It’s important to follow the dose and stated by the department of health guidelines.

    When the sun is out, enjoy it.

    Resources:

    Vitamin D Guidelines from NHS-UK: https://www.nhs.uk/news/food-and-diet/the-new-guidelines-on-vitamin-d-what-you-need-to-know/

  • Loving your children

    A dear cousin sent me this amazing youtube clip and I had to share. Initially, I was going to copy and paste on social media, praying that it blesses someone like it did to me.

    There, in that process of doing that ,I begun to reflect in action. The message touched me, as a mom who struggles many a times to get it right with my children.

    The teaching of David Wilkerson sounded sincere, as a grandad wanting to impart some wisdom to the younger generation. Indeed, he did just that for me, hopefully for you too. I have sat many a times with colleagues and friends pouring our hearts out about the state of our society and children, the challenges we face and constraints that are seemingly in place to fail our children.

    If anything, like any mom, I want them to do well. The responsibility and requirements to parent seem colossal compared to when I was growing up. This clip doesn’t address that, however it explains on what I can do as mom, in this challenging environment. I now have to learn what I didn’t see or experience growing up and that has been and remains my biggest challenge.

    David Wilkerson shares is an undiluted truth on the responsibility of parents for our children and what’s happening in our society. We can do something and more with all the challenges we face. His message is, who is watching what’s coming into your home? What are we allowing our children to bring into our homes? We have the authority, responsibility and accountability of what comes in.

    I have been there and still do, where I have felt it’s me against the world, my children’s friends, media, different cultures, values, school etc. It is incredibly exhaustingly on all levels, I get it and know it too well. The world and its powers would want us to do just that, give in and give up. Our children are too precious to do that.

    Parents in diaspora, we now know how time poor we are and the scarcity of social networks to support us in our journey. For us, first generation migrants, parenting abroad is a new phenomenon with all its complexities. Those we relate to better, the ones we jumped ship with and swapped our identities for a better life, seem new and bewildered with the challenges we face. Where do we go from here?

    We work very hard and all hours at trying to make ends meet, ofcourse we have to pay the bills. Maybe, once the bills are paid and we have sent a little for the folks back home, maybe, we can just sit at home and listen to our children. Maybe, we can forgo a huge Christmas celebration and all the designer prezzies and just enjoy each other’s company while we watch the door. Maybe we can pay more attention to who our children are watching and listening to.

    It’s key to note that our children’s friends no longer come to knock on the door asking for our children to come out and play. How easy it was then, to approve or disapprove! It is no longer so, for those of us with teenagers and older children. Their friends are online, keeping them wide awake at night right in the four corners of our homes.

    I have spoken to friends who have managed to nail art of contouring their faces in a bid to enhance what God has given them. Their verdict is, it takes time but practice makes perfect. Getting it right with and for our children, I believe takes time and it’s worth it. When all is said and done, they grow quickly too.

    I also believe in the power of prayer. Gods says I have a heart for a praying parent. Your prayers are not in vain. We can have righteous anger for the lives and future of our children. Pray with conviction and without ceasing for the matters affecting them.

    I have also come to this understanding: may have less control of what happens out there but I have accountability of what comes through the doors of our home and that includes via internet.

    I also have a responsibility to model the life I expect of my children. I have to be at home mind/ body/ spirit to guard my house, no one else will.
    To all the parents , be alert and not sleep on the job.

    If you have observed palace guards you know how they take their responsibilities seriously. They know the value of what they are guarding. This dude here 👇🏾 at Prague Castle didn’t move or even smile at all despite all our antics. It’s because he was on duty and guarding what has been entrusted to him. So are we as parents.

    I pray that you make the time. I pray that you create the space to love and nurture your children in this busy world!


    ‭‭ ‭

    Do get in touch with Fadzai via this link if you need any help/ support/ strategy to become more intentional in your parenting journey

    David Wilkerson Sermon

    https://youtu.be/2AvQyCoVPKM

    Remain encouraged and intentional 🌱

  • My gift to my children


    August 2012 Olde Barn hotel.

    Thanks to Facebook for this reminder. What sweet memories!! These two have now grown very fast right before our eyes. We didn’t know THEN the memories we were creating and the rituals that have now become so ingrained as family traditions.

    I pray for our children. I pray that they will find kindness amongst their generation. I ask the Lord to be their shield and banner, to keep and sustain them. I pray that they will always find help when they need it. May the Lord surround them with sincere friends who will bring out the best in them. I commend them to the mercies of God for their future.

    I pray for our children that they find joy and happiness in what they put their minds, hearts and hands to do. May they know the satisfaction that comes from enduring hard work. I pray for the eternal blessing of knowing God and walking in His ordinances over our children. They are my greatest blessing and I am grateful to God.

    I pray that they will love and respect each other. I ask the Lord to bind them with cords of love that cannot be broken. I speak into their relationship, that they will be each other’s keeper. I ask for grace and strength into their lives, to champion one another in things that are meaningful and of good report.
    August 2012..Peterborough Cathedral.

    I ask the Lord that their lives be full, filled with hearts of service to His kingdom, His people and themselves. I pray for our children that they will remember their mother and father’s sacrifice. I pray that they will find those sacrifices worthwhile. I ask the Lord to give our children forgiving hearts for where we failed. I pray that our children will become better parents than we were. I pray that our children will treasure and honour our relationship with them.

    August 2017, Porto

    I pray that our children will find love. I ask the Lord that He will give them life partners that know Him first. I pray that our children will find time to laugh in those relationships.

    I thank God for our children. I thank Him for hearing and answering our prayers as parents.

    I will always pray for our children. Prayer is my gift to our children ❤

  • The woman in me

    Woke up today feeling rather exhausted. It’s been a month since I started my new job. Reality has since set in and I have found myself busier than anticipated. That certainly has had a knock on effect on my mental and emotional health.  The English weather and the commute has not helped. The train commute isn’t bad, it’s the driving through packed, smokey and hot London tarmac roads that does my head in. For sanity’s sake I will not mention the parking.

    The weather tops it all for me. The need to be comfortable and practical is a must. However, the English weather remains unpredictable. You never know when it is going to rain or whether the sunny spell will last the 12hours whilst you are at work. It is hard. One has to think about what to wear and how that can adapt to the weather too. It’s a problem I had anticipated hence I chose a uniform. If you have read my previous blog on the day before the new job, I bought some lovely, comfortable navy blue slacks to wear with plain white t shirts and pumps. Well, today I decided otherwise as it was going to be warm. Besides, my daughter had decided to wear my t-shirts at home 🤣. 

    Feeling rather unmotivated and wanting to get into the office early for a busy day ahead, I just grabbed the clean and cotton dress that I could find. It’s the African ankara dress mama got tailor made for me. It fits well and that’s all I needed so I could catch the earlier train. Thankfully, I made it after sprinting a good 5mins! The joys of commuting, I keep telling myself, you are getting fit girl!🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️

    Anyway, I walk into work and I get lots of compliments on this particular dress. I get lots of nods and smiles from ‘sisters’ with a look of approval. It dawns on me that the dress is making a statement that I had not perceived before. When I walked into the office, colleagues exclaimed how they like my dress. I chuckle to myself and just smile. Comments are made with the British niceness and political correctness that I have become familiar with but still unsettling.

    The dress is addressing my identity and all that I represent. Someone remarked that the dress has made them feel homesick, as I reminded them of where they come from. Amazing how a piece of clothing can conjure so many emotions at all levels. Then there is the senior colleagues I met in the corridors with the look of ‘wow’. That’s me there affirmed! The beauty of working with a very diverse community is that you find your sisterhood.  These are the women who identify with you and what you are all about. These are women who have walked your journey or are on the same path with you.  Your stories, struggles and strength are entwined and become the given. Your journey is easily understood without having to explain yourself.

    Today I didn’t  wake up, wanting to draw attention to myself, I didn’t feel that way at all. However, I’m glad that the day turned out the way it did. For the rest of the day, I had a spring in my step and a conviction in my heart that I will get there. There, for me, is a place of effectiveness and relevance. 

    The dress reminded me that it’s not so bad after all. I am African. I am a strong African woman. The dress allowed me to have small talk with a few more people than before. This dress addresses the woman in me, a woman on a Journey. 


    That has been the highlight of my day! 

    Hopeful ❤

     

  • Transnational parenting  

    Yay, it’s  school half term here in U.K,  and we are all home. I had a lie in until I was woken up to a hearty breakfast by our son. Our two children are now 17 and 12, with the our eldest son nearly an adult.

    I look at them with joy and pride as they busied themselves around the house. Indeed the Lord has been gracious to us. The journey has not always been easy. Fear, anxiety and worry have played a significant part of our parenting journey. It should not be so! Lack of knowledge and understanding creates fear and unnecessary anxiety.

    Our son was born back home in Zimbabwe and was dearly loved and adored since conception. I stayed with my parents from 35weeks pregnant as per shona custom of ‘kusungirwa’. For 6 weeks postpartum, I was ‘fattened’, waited upon and pampered as a new mom by my mum and grandmother as per our Shona custom. That did not stop Q from having colic and being the most unsettled baby in the household. My mom and grandmother used to take turns to cuddle and bhabhu (carry baby on the back with a sling, see pic below 👇🏾) him to sleep which he loved. I remember very well my late grandma laying down to sleep on her tummy with Q on her back.

    Once I returned to the marital home, I couldn’t bath, eat or do anything due to Q’s crying. Social isolation did not help as we moved into suburbia. My poor husband did not know how best he could help. Things settled when we finally got a nanny, when Q was around 3months old. I feel I should not have suffered in silence. But how could I? I did not know or understand what was going on. Gripe water did not work and Q blatantly refused formula milk. It took me a while to adjust to being a mom.

    The feeling of overwhelm and sadness was intense. I felt lost in all the roles life required of it. Newly married trying the wifey thing, commuting between Harare and Kadoma for work, being pregnant and hubby landing a lucrative role with a non governmental organisation. This was meant to be exciting, fun and fulfilling yet here I was!

    Hubby tried. We started going for evening jogs together. Then, it was to shift the baby weight and sure it did. As the months progressed, we would have lunch dates 3times a week near his workplace. This was to give me something to do, create an opportunity to have a proper shower, dress up and show up at his workplace 😍. I just felt so lost.

    I remember a dear friend who had a same aged son as mine. She would invite me for play dates, coffee etc. It worked for a bit. She would have Q and the nanny on valentines just so we could have couple’s time. It was only a few years later when we met here in UK and we were talking about this that she recollected how much I struggled.

    A few friends I knew back in Zim since commented that they noticed the change and just assumed it was normal to struggle with motherhood! My family remain adamant that it wasn’t as bad as i recollect it!

    I am writing this to encourage other moms out there. Motherhood is challenging but there is help and resources available.

    📌Talking about your feelings:

    Talking your feelings through with someone is a start. For most couples talking to your spouse/ partner ideally, should be the first point of call. By talking it through together, it aids the transitioning journey to be in synergy. Sometimes, he may not be the best candidate to talk to, maybe due to work pressures or lack of insight. My husband did the practical bits ( coming home on time to feed the baby, cook and relieve me so I could have a shower). However, he never confronted my emotions and how overwhelmed I felt and looked. He just did not know how to and so were my family and friends. Your GP is a point of call and s/he can signpost you to the necessary services.

     

    📌Parenting courses:

    Attending parenting courses educates and empowers you for the role. I totally agree, to the notion that parenting classes should be made inclusive for transition into parenthood (Independent news, 2016).
    Parenting courses are offered for different stages of parenting; pre birth, 0-5years, Teenage years etc. Most social services across UK offer parenting classes for different age groups.

    Some voluntary organisations, such as charities and churches also do offer parenting classes. Ask your local church if they do. From work experience, BME women do not access these courses as they do not find them valuable or they do not relate/ appreciate the experiences of mainstream caucasian women. It will be interesting to note evidence on the outcomes of those children in developmental skills at school entry level.

     

    📌Children services

    Attending and accessing help via children centres, health visitors, church organisations and social care is equally important. This does not only help with combatting isolation but building a social network. Relationships are beneficial in life, for personal development and growth.

    Social services tends to be seen in a negative light but they do work for the welfare of all children and families. If you find yourself in a vulnerable situation: no money, no papers and in a volatile relationship, they can assist, under Children in need.

     

    📌Community/ cultural groups.

    These groups, if well run, are fantastic for offering a sense of belonging and well being. The challenge from a professional point of view, is that they can be a stumbling block to cultural integration. Some of the groups do not offer parenting courses, support groups etc.

    The Intentional Parenting Community link exists to support African migrant families who sometimes want to talk to someone who understands ‘where you are coming from’. Indeed parenting practices differ globally.

    Our 6am club is a faith/ prayer club for mums who want a safe place to build relationships, pray and center their day. The club runs term time only, Monday -friday 6am-6:30am GMT via zoom. Anyone is free to join. You can connect via this link

    Our webinars are also a great resource to learn, ask questions and be equipped as a parent. More details coming soon for the webinar sessions.

    There is hope ❤

    *** Image copied***

    Disclaimer: This post is based purely on personal experiences.

    RESOURCES

    Colic

    http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Colic/Pages/Introduction.aspx
    Talking therapy

    http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/benefits-of-talking-therapy.aspx
    Parenting coursehttp://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/david-cameron-plans-to-make-parenting-classes-normal-a6804381.html
    Children In Need

    https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/looking-after-people/local-authority-services-for-children-in-need/