Intentional parenting

Tag: culture

  • Connected parenting

    Guide for African Migrant Parents: Staying Connected to Your Teenagers

    Parenting as an African migrant comes with unique challenges, especially when raising teenagers in a new culture. Balancing traditional values with the realities of life abroad can create tension, but staying connected with your teen is vital for their growth and maintaining a strong family bond. Here’s a practical guide to help:

    1. Understand Their World

    • Learn About the Local Culture

    Take time to understand the culture your teen is growing up in. This will help you better comprehend their challenges and pressures, such as peer relationships, school dynamics, or social norms.

    Tip: Attend school events or community activities to observe and engage with their environment.

    • Stay Updated on Trends

    Be aware of what interests them—social media, music, fashion, or sports. Ask them about what’s popular and listen without judgment.

    Example: “What’s your favorite app these days? Can you show me how it works?”

    2. Communicate Openly and Often

    • Create a Safe Space

    Teens may hesitate to open up if they fear judgment or punishment. Show empathy and listen without interruption.

    Example: “I may not fully understand, but I want to hear how you feel.”

    • Be Consistent with Check-ins

    Regularly ask about their day, friendships, and feelings. Make conversations a habit, not just when there’s a problem.

    Tip: Have chats during shared activities like cooking, driving, or walking. Eat at the table away from TV and gadgets.

    3. Blend Cultures Positively

    • Teach Them Your Heritage

    Share stories, traditions, and values from your African roots to give them a sense of identity and pride.

    Example: Celebrate cultural festivals or cook traditional meals together. Attend local festivals such as The Zim Heritage Festival, more details here

    • Embrace Their New Environment

    Allow your teen to explore and adopt aspects of their current culture while guiding them to balance both worlds.

    Tip: Celebrate achievements that matter to them, whether it’s excelling in school or pursuing a hobby. Enrol them in after school activities eg sports, drama. You can google your local area or ask your school for some guidance. If you live in Buckinghamshire, you can check the family information website here

    4. Show Affection and Encouragement

    • Acknowledge Their Efforts

    Praise their achievements and effort, no matter how small. Teens crave validation from their parents.

    Example: “I’m proud of how you handled that situation with your friend.”

    • Offer Emotional and Physical Support

    Be available when they’re stressed or need comfort. A simple hug or reassuring words can mean a lot.

    5. Set Boundaries with Love

    • Balance Discipline with Understanding

    Explain the reasoning behind rules instead of enforcing them without context.

    Example: “I’m asking you to come home by 9 PM because I worry about your safety.”

    • Be Flexible When Necessary

    While it’s important to uphold family values, adjust your expectations to fit their realities.

    6. Be Involved in Their Education

    • Engage with Their School Life

    Attend parent-teacher meetings and know their academic strengths and challenges. Show interest in their goals.

    Tip: Ask how you can support them with their studies or extracurricular activities.

    • Encourage Lifelong Learning

    Help them see the value of education, whether academic, vocational, or personal development. Share your own experiences of perseverance. Read together as families. Watch documentaries that are informative and educational.

    7. Handle Conflicts with Care

    • Avoid Comparisons

    Don’t compare them to peers or other teenagers eg. cousins years in Africa. This can make them feel misunderstood.

    • Resolve Disagreements Calmly

    When arguments arise, take a step back to cool off before discussing solutions. Apologize if needed; it models respect and humility.

    8. Build a Support Network

    • Connect with Other Parents

    Join local community groups or parenting networks to share experiences and advice. We have a whatsapp community here at Intentional Parenting to offer support and guidance.

    • Involve Mentors or Elders

    Trusted community members or family friends can reinforce values and offer guidance to your teen.

    9. Foster Independence

    • Give Them Responsibility

    Encourage them to make decisions and learn from their mistakes. This builds confidence.

    • Prepare Them for the Future

    Talk about career paths, finances, and life skills to help them transition into adulthood.

    10. Take Care of Yourself

    • Manage Your Stress

    Parenting is demanding, especially in a new country. Seek support if needed through community resources or counseling. Local authority are also good places to get help. Please don’t stew in your problems with your children.

    For a confidential and non judgemental chat, reach out to Fadzai click here. You can find out more about Fadzai

    • Model Healthy Behavior

    Teens often emulate their parents. Show resilience, adaptability, and a willingness to learn.

    Final Thoughts

    Building a strong relationship with your teenager takes time, patience, and effort. By combining the wisdom of your African heritage with the opportunities of your new environment, you can raise confident, well-rounded children who appreciate their roots and thrive in their new home.

    Wishing you every success in this journey!

    Remain Intentional

    Fadzai 🌱

  • #Momofteens

    What have I learnt on raising teen so far?

    – Awe

    Yes you will be filled with awe on how tall, beautiful they have grown. You will catch your breath a few times. You will be amazed at their thinking and outlook on life.

    –Love

    Your love language will change. You will learn to express your love, appreciation and gratitude in a different way as teens are not keen on showing emotions. You will love them on most days and want to kill them on others. Know the difference.

    –Fear

    It will creep on you from most angles. If it’s not their friends, the school or community it will be the local and world news. Choose faith. Have faith in your child and your parenting skills. God qualified you for the job. Own it.

     

    –weight

    Yoh will gain, I believe from worry, lack of sleep or early menopause.Or it could be simply from leading a sedentary life. Those school runs, after school activities not only keep them busy but helps the mamas too.  Which ever way, you will be be lovely to cuddle.

     

    -Freedom

    Yes, you will have the new found freedom to have lie ins, meet friends and do other things. It will surely happen. Let your teens see you happy and use your spare time effectively . If you are like me who started the parenting game early, travel and see the world. Go for that dinner date without feeling guilty.

    Anything else you can add?

    Do you have teens? Would love to hear from you!

    Remain in the game

    Love Fadzi xx

     

     

     

  • Wise Parenting

    Demonstrating wisdom in parenting involves thoughtful decision-making, emotional intelligence, and a deep understanding of your child’s needs. Here are five tips to help you show wisdom in your parenting:

    1. Listen Actively and Empathetically

    • Tip: Practice active listening by giving your full attention to your child when they speak. Make eye contact and remove distractions such as phone or telly. Validate their feelings and experiences, even if you don’t fully agree. This helps build trust and shows that you value their perspective.
    • Why It’s Wise: Active listening fosters open communication and helps you understand your child’s needs and emotions better, enabling more thoughtful responses.

    2. Model the Behavior You Want to See

    • Tip: Be a role model in areas such as kindness, patience, and responsibility. Children learn by observing, so demonstrate the values and behaviors you want them to adopt. Be mindful of how you carry yourself in the home, your children are watching.
    • Why It’s Wise: Leading by example teaches children important life skills and moral values more effectively than just telling them what to do.

    3. Practice Patience and Perspective

    • Tip: When faced with challenging situations, take a step back to assess the bigger picture before reacting. Respond with patience, considering both short-term and long-term impacts on your child. How you react to small things becomes a foundation in your children’s hearts and minds. For example if you scream and shout all day about a vase that has been ACCIDENTALLY broken, how is this child ever going to tell you when someone touched them inappropriately?
    • Why It’s Wise: Patience allows you to make decisions that are not just reactive but thoughtful and considerate of your child’s development and well-being.

    4. Encourage Independence Within Safe Boundaries

    • Tip: Allow your child to make choices and take on responsibilities appropriate for their age, while providing guidance and boundaries to ensure their safety and well-being. Each child is different which is why it’s important to KNOW your child through spending time together.
    • Why It’s Wise: Encouraging independence helps children build confidence, decision-making skills, and resilience, preparing them for the complexities of life.

    5. Prioritize Consistent and Fair Discipline

    • Tip: Establish clear rules and consequences, and apply them consistently. Ensure that discipline is fair, focused on teaching rather than punishing, and tailored to the individual needs of your child.
    • Why It’s Wise: Consistent and fair discipline helps children understand boundaries and the consequences of their actions, promoting a sense of security and respect for rules.

    By incorporating these tips into your parenting approach, you can demonstrate wisdom that will positively influence your child’s development and your relationship with them.

    Hope you find these useful.

    Let me know in comment section below.

    Here is to thriving in parenting.

    If you need further support with parenting, want to discuss something, do get in touch via link below:

    https://calendly.com/intentionalparenting/intentional-parenting-consultation

    Love and blessings

    Fadzi x

  • Child Q

    Intentional parenting stands with Child Q. As a community of black African parents, we will work with our community at large to heal on the trauma that we have faced.

    What makes Child Q a very distressing and complex case is the layers of abuse, discrimination, injustice the community faces. To rectify these issues requires a system wise approach. For instance, why didn’t Child Q refuse to be undressed without her parents there??

    As I write it’s difficult to imagine what must have been going through her mind when all this was happening. I want to take a minute and applaud the relationship Child Q has with her mother that she was able to share the horrors of what happened to her.

    Thank you to the Hackney Safeguarding who took this forward to the panel.

    We are holding a series of webinars to discuss about this trauma, led by qualified practitioners from education, health, safeguarding, parenting,faith, youth work and many others.

    Intentional Parenting invites those with expertise in those areas, are willing to work with our community to get in touch via our contact page below via email/ phone/ whatsapp.

    We are open and willing to work with both statutory and voluntary organisations in forging a way forward.

    We understand that this is not an isolated incident. We will speak to our children and LISTEN to their experiences. We will LEARN from their experiences and stand with them.

    We promise to make time and read the SCHOOL policies so we are familiar with them.

    As a community we will seek opportunities to be part of the change both in schools and our local areas. These will include volunteering and participating in events that involve our children’s education such as school governorship, PTA (parent teacher association), youth work etc.

    We pledge to continue working within our community and other partner agencies in making sure ALL children thrive and reach their potential.

    To Child Q and many others, we see you. we hear you. As your parents forgive us for times we didn’t believe you, we are willing to do the work.

  • Summer-saults.

    Musings of a transnational mama:

    Two weeks of summer holidays already gone, time flies indeed. Summer holidays are fun.

    For many parents it’s a lovely break from the school run and early mornings. They can be a blessing summer holidays. A time to reflect and renew together as a family. A time to mellow on the memories of yesteryear. For some families summer is the transitioning from either early years to primary or even primary to high school. What an emotional roller coaster! We have been there and done that a few times. 
    Thankfully, we are on hold for now. Next year will be a totally different story. Big brother will be completely done with school, did I say that? Yes, and heaven knows how I am going to cope.

    Until then, I am focussing on now, the present. At the beginning of summer our two completed the comprehensive list of things to do for summer. This includes play dates with whom, when and where.

    I have since learnt that school holidays, teenagers and their friends can be a conundrum. Actually, the lack of planning from a parents’ point can be very detrimental. This is an area that has been challenging for me since our two have transitioned into adolescence and being in high school.

    With big brother, it wasn’t much of an issue as the group of ‘lads’ he hung out with seemed pretty ok. Big brother went to a local well resourced and sought after selective high school. Being a social butterfly that he is, he befriended 5boys, fondly known as ‘the lads’. Me and hubby had the privilege of meeting these pedigrees and their parents at big brother’s 12th birthday, 6months into high school. A lovely bunch of parents with sound moral standards, good careers, positive and firm aspirations for their children. Typical authoritative parents, sensitive, intuitive and insightful. We fell in love with them and felt motivated and encouraged. Easily done we felt.

    During the school holidays, throughout the 4years of secondary school, the lads met quite often outside of school. These meetings varied from the adventurous sleepovers, camping in the garden, playing in the woods, cinema trips etc. We did not have a problem with the long tracks to their residences and back. We got to know the lads, and they enjoyed our company, the take aways, sleep overs at our house as well as banter with little sis. What more could you ask for?

    Fast forward to our darling daughter starting high school. The dynamics are a labyrinth. She is a winter baby and her birthday was a few months after starting high school. The poor girl wanted to hang out with her old primary school friends, catch up over some warm cheesy pizza, ice cream and ofcourse shopping. She was as good as gold. What a missed opportunity for us to meet her future bffs, squad and gang!!  These are young women who have now become the centre of her world, aspirations and dreams. She now gets invited to sleepovers, shopping sprees, cinema, restaurants on every school break. And that is hard, hard for me as a momma bear assigned to protect her cubs. ‘ I don’t know these people, I tell myself.’ How do I trust them with my jewel and treasure? My job in safeguarding children doesn’t help at this stage.

    I recall a few years back when my cherubs were 6 and 18months and family friends with older children were anxious about the summer holidays. I couldn’t fathom what the drama was all about. For us, it was a longed for break from early school runs and pick up. What a perfect time for lie ins, late nights movie binge, picnics in the garden, bike rides in the cul de sac, impromptu braai with friends, trips to the museum and maybe a day or two in London. Life couldn’t be perfect. We even caught the infamous Nottinghill carnival.

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    Anyway, now with two teens in the house, I find myself rather unsettled and concerned about these loooooong school holidays. Why can’t they just stay in school? Right now I am a cruel, insensitive mother, you can judge and call me that.
    I would implore you to keep your judgment until you understand my anxieties. Summer holidays are tricky in terms of managing the time effectively and giving your teens a sense of direction whilst maintaining a level of sanity and a decent bank balance. Don’t mention big brother needing encouragement to revise for the all important A’levels.
     I now appreciate that these results aren’t that important in the grand scheme of things. I deal with teens suffering significant mental health due to pressure from peers, parents and society at large. My heart goes out to them. And with that, the pressure has come off our two, not completely.. but we are working on it and very mindful 😊

    The unavailability of extended family in diaspora can present a lot of challenges in terms of childcare and socialising. In most cases, our children socialise with their friends and it is a good thing. However, I cannot seem to break away from the longing of playing with cousins and making memories that endure the test of time. You know those visits to the rural areas, during the school holidays, tending to the fields, fetching water from the well, sitting around the fire waiting for the running chicken drum stick whilst having teary, stinging eyes from the smoke?. And the epic, taking a bath by the river. These kind of experiences is what I long for, for my two.

    There is a significant part of me that feels I should package my children neatly and send them off to be with grandparents for the summer. Once I have done the number crunching, it becomes apparent that the sums do not add up. So we are stuck right here for now. Moreover, I have now learnt that evenings with grandparents nowadays are spent watching Isindigo or Muvhango 😳🤓

    How is your summer holiday panning out? Share some love and ideas. Don’t forget to comment and share article with loved ones.

    Enjoy the summer break, make memories and look after each other. Be hopeful always ❤