Intentional parenting

Tag: children

  • Identity

    This was the topic for our webinar this evening. How important is it for our children to speak the native language, cook native food etc?

    It became imperative during the session that before we unpick our children’s identity, how do we as mother identify ourselves??. Examples were given of being a wife, mother, daughter, minister of the Gospel etc. How do we live out all these ‘titles’, does it matter what comes first? all these were questions we pondered.

    With our children we agreed that nativism enriches their lives. It’s their heritage. We concluded that as far as identity is concerned it is more than food, drink, colour of your skin or even place of birth.

    We acknowledged that our children are global citizens such that being a native of a particular nation would limit their experiences and world.

    Having said that, as mothers of faith, our identity and that of our children is found in God. We are first and foremost children of God. He created us and knew us of before the foundation of the world. That is who we are.

    Living out our faith and identity day to day, helps to define who we are in the eyes of our children. We are reminded that to as many as recieved Him, He has given them the right to become children of God.

    Suggestions were made of reminding our children of their identity in God. Saying words such as ‘you are a mighty man of valour, a women of faith, a man of prayer, a princess etc’ helps to define them. As mothers of faith, we are prophets so we speak the promises of God concerning them.

    References were drawn from the previous post on Black Panther and importance of speaking into the lives of our children.

    As a mom, how do you identify yourself?

  • Milestones

    What is this about?

    The parenting webinar is a community initiative to build each other’s capacity and empower one another on the parenting journey.

    This was birthed from the understanding that it takes a village to raise a child. This is a concept that I am very familiar with having been brought up in Zimbabwe. Growing up, I was raised by the community. Fast forward to my own parenting journey, the circumstances have changed. In a bid to find that community, a virtual one was created in February 2017.

    I remember as a health visitor deliberating and talking about this with colleagues; the social isolation, the statistics on youth crime, gangs and changing face of society. What also struck me was how ethnic minority families were not accessing children centres for support. On a personal level, as a mom of teens, the need for support and encouragement became compelling.

    The more I talked about it to family and friends, the more I realised the need. Ideas started flowing, fear also crept in as well. Fear of the unknown, being judged etc. With encouragement prayer and support from a lot of people here we are today.

    As we celebrate this milestone we have covered 30 sessions out of the 52weeks as we initially ran the webinars forty nightly and then took breaks when needed e.g World cup semi- finals. Topics discussed ranged from boundary setting, managing inter-parental conflicts, understanding children’s love language, sleepovers, parenting and social care as well as the role of fathers to name a few. I have also covered some face to face sessions. I believe I have grown tremendously in understanding of self and the world around me. I thought I would share a few things with you.

    Lessons learnt :

    1️⃣- Start- Just do it! Do it afraid if you have to. Technical hitches do happen, prepare as much as you can and if it happens, do not lose face.

    2️⃣- Enjoy- Some days it will be such great fun. Most days it will be hard from finding motivation, people to empower and simply being busy with life. Find joy anyway. Time flies when having fun. Having your vision scribbled somewhere, on a placard, note book or framed helps. It keeps you aligned and focused.

    3️⃣- Engage your audience. Depending on the topic, allow people to share, suggest, ask questions. Be open minded about audience and potential client group.

    4️⃣-Be on time. Being punctual is critical. Not only does it show that you are professional and serious, it demonstrates respect. Respect for your audience, their time and dedication.

    5️⃣- Find people who can critically appraise what you are doing. Having feedback is key on moving forward. Encouragers are great, a critical friend is key and a keeper. Acknowledge them. Appreciate them.

    6️⃣- Value- valuing yourself, your effort is also important. Don’t allow anyone to tell you otherwise.

    7️⃣Back up- Yes, save, save your work, drafts and save again, especially in blogging and content preparation for the webinars. I can’t recall the number of times, my content just disappeared. That can make or break you. I learnt to get up and write again.

    8️⃣Prayer- Remains the foundation and cornerstone in your building. Communicating about your vision, committing yourself and audience to God offers a place of clarity and understanding.

    9️⃣Ask- ask for help and offer help when others need it. Having a support network makes all the difference. We receive what we give. By being present and available to others, it offers opportunity for reciprocity.

    🔟 Losses and gains. Many people especially immediate family and friends will not get your vision. After all it’s yours. Don’t be discouraged. Familiarity does that and we are all guilty of that. You will lose familiar faces and gain more new ones. Embrace both.

    1️⃣1️⃣ Conviction – Stand for what you believe and express yourself. In this journey, I am learning to speak my mind and mean what I say. I term that growth.

    1️⃣2️⃣ Celebrate- celebrate both the big and small achievements. It is said ‘ do not despite the days of small beginnings’ and remember Rome was not built in a day.

    Here is to the future. For what it will be, we entrust in Him. What we know is that there is grace and hope.

    If you are interested in joining our growing community, you are most welcome. Our Zoom webinars are weekly on a Friday at 8pm UK time. Do get in touch ( whatsapp, messenger, facebook, instagram).

    Hopeful ❤

  • Mama

    Day 10

    “You are the bows from which your children

    as living arrows are sent forth.

    The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

    and He bends you with His might

    that His arrows may go swift and far.

    Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

    For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

    so He loves also the bow that is stable”. Khalil Gibran

    What a privilege to be called mom. My transitioning into motherhood was fraught with fear, uncertainty, depression and ignorance. I struggled with attachment and then got separated from my son at 11months whilst I came to UK. It was by choice, by the way. Was I thinking straight? I am not sure. Anyway, that a story on its own for another day.

    There is a grace to make it even if you started badly. That grace is available today for you. Reach out to Him to help you. Motherhood challenging as it is, can be fulfilling. I ask the father of all flesh to bless you with His love, grace and favor today as you look to Him for guidance. May He show you His tender mercies and the beauty of His strong everlasting arms. Feel His warm embrace and the lifting of burdens.

    Lord we thank you and honour you today and always. ♥️🙏🏽

  • Motherhood and well being

    Webinar

    We were talking motherhood and well being on the webinar this evening.

    The ladies acknowledged that life can be busy and hectic but taking time out to recharge is important. We also acknowledged that as diaspora parents, lack of extended family support is a massive challenge.

    Some of the comments from the attendees:

    ” Know that you do not love your family if your do not look after yourself. Who is going to take care of them if you burn out?”

    “Don’t give ashes to your family when you have burnt out”

    Remember what they tell you on the plane in case of emergency???

    “Put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you put it on your child”.

    Strategies used by some of the moms in enhancing their well being.

    ‘-Me time’ at the swimming pool as well as reading and listening to biblical podcasts.

    -Exercising together as family, thereby being a role model and looking after our health.

    -Praying alone and with other ladies. Being willing to be open and vulnerable with other mothers about our challenges.

    – Building and maintaining a social network.

    – Learn and be prepared for the seasons of life. For example unplanned pregnancies potentially may cause a strain on role transition into motherhood.

    – Learning from other moms from all age groups and of different seasons.

    – Looking to God for counsel and wisdom.

    – Empower the older children to help with younger siblings with activities around the house.

    -Getting hubby or significant other to help with childcare whilst I attend to ‘me’.

    – A bath soak with candles, oils and a book is always a good easy treat.

    -Platforms such this webinar, to come and learn together, building our own online village.

    How do you unwind? What strategies have you seen or heard that are helpful? Would love to hear from you. xxx

    Seed of Hope 💕💕

  • Black Panther

    I loved Wakanda. For me, the central message was the power and authority that mama’s have.

    “Tell him who you are!” ♥️

    These are the words of Ramonda, Queen mother of Wakanda to her son Tchalla, during a battle to defend his throne.

    In moments of fear, uncertainty and frustration, as a mother what do you tell your children? Is your voice that of assurance and definition?.

    Moments of fear, frustration are ‘perfect’ moments to look your child square in the eye and remind them of who they are! The world may see so many things in our children but no one knows them like mama does. The world can tell our children so many things too. However, we can speak into the greatness that is right inside of them and defend their destiny.

    I believe as mothers especially mothers of faith, we are our own children’s prophets. What are you speaking into your children’s lives? My favourite affirmations are: ‘all my children shall be taught of the Lord and great shall be their peace’, ‘You are for signs and wonders’.

    Time and again I remind my children of their strengths and address their frustrations and anxieties with a calming voice of prayer, hug, note or even a letter. I like to pray for them in my quiet devotional time. I also enjoy praying with them, lifting them up before the father of all flesh. It’s powerful and they appreciate it.

     

    One other thing am finding helpful with parenting teens season are notes or even letters. I like to express myself on paper, letting my children know that I notice the worries on their faces some days, the pressure and stress of friendships as well as exams. I journal some prayers too.

     

    The greatest armour I am using more these days is intentional hug. Yes, hug. I guess it’s difficult for anyone to say no to a hug. While I am hugging either my 17year son or 13year old daughter, depending on the mood and context, I speak quietly or loudly into their spirit. I believe we all want to reminded of who we are. We all want to be encouraged time again. The power of touch, disarming and healing.

    I remind them of their destiny and call of God upon their lives. You are a mighty man of valour, a Gedion of your generation. You are a mighty woman of God, called to your generation. A women of impact and authority, your light will never dim. I like to call forth those destinies in prayer.

    What are your thoughts, would love to her from you?

    #voiceofhope

    #wakandawednesday

  • Chapter 13

    This has come sooner that I had anticipated. Mixed emotions I do say! Part of me would love to have you remain my baby forever and the other gets really excited about the woman you are becoming.

    You are a beautiful flower to watch, blossoming in your thinking and understanding of your world and those around you. You challenge us as parents to be more and better. You encourage us to be better citizens and deepen our love in the things that set us on fire.

    You are amazing Bubu. I am not only saying so because I am your mom, those who take time to know you, will attest to that.

    I pray that you never lose your passion, strength and conviction for the things you love and believe in. That element of your personality, is a gift from God to you and the world, share it as often as you can.

    As you continue to tower over us, I want you to know that there is no limit to what you set your mind to accomplish.

    Enjoy being a teenager, it’s a unique era. I will try not to be anxious, not sure I have any anxiety left. Laugh more, it will keep your heart lighter and the sparkle in your eyes brighter. Take lots and lots of photos; selfies, food, travels, friends, and all, you will treasure them all.

    Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, you will learn from them. Remember you can never drink too much water.

    Above all, always know that He has you inscribed in the palms of His hands.

    Happy birthday sweetie.

    Enjoy the cake.

    Love you always and forever

    Mom x 🎉🎉🎂💕

  • Diaspora living

    Life in diaspora has meant different things to us as a family. One of the many things we have learnt and embraced is eczema. Yes the severe dry skin. It may sound trivial but this dry skin showed us through our daughter that it can be a menace.

    Our beloved daughter was born with beautiful baby skin, the soft smooth skin that you expect in babies. Four weeks after birth, she woke up one morning covered in flat well spread rash. I didn’t think much of it, continued our bath time routine as usual. Two weeks later, she was crying and scratching her face. Like any diligent mom, I neatly trimmed her nails hoping that would solve the problem. A week went by and whilst breastfeeding, I noted the tiny scratches that she had made onto her face were yellow and crusty.

    By this time I was in second year nurse training, so I quickly indentified that there was infection somewhere. Our GP was amazing in prescribing the topical antibiotics, steroid cream as well to apply into her skin and some moisturising cream for ‘dry’ skin. Indeed within a couple days, we could see a marked improvement. Relived and delighted, we were. After all, it was Christmas by this time and the all important Family Christmas pictures!

    That was the beginning of a very long journey. A journey, we are hoping is taking us somehow remarkable and to a destination. We soon learnt about eczema from our lovely health visitor who had taken an interest on the condition amongst Migrants. Bewildered, overwhelmed and stressed, I read as much as I could about the condition, diagnosis, side effects treatments etc. I researched a lot!

    Both me and hubby had not heard of this ‘terrible’ condition. I prayed, each time I thought about it. I cried every time I read about the bio-psycho-social burden of the disease. I couldn’t understand why and how she had got it. I had kept healthy throughout my pregnancy, if anything, I was a freaky healthy eater. Some friends explained that it was the mackerel fish that I loved so much during pregnancy.

    Anyway, God is faithful, over the years we continued with the moisturing regimen, paying attention to the change of seasons. It was well managed and we didn’t have any problem. As soon as we saw the inflammation of joints, we diligently started the moisturising regimen. This means applying Cetraben ointment 4-5times a day and adding 2% hydrocortisone to the regimen until inflammation is settled. We kept the Cetraben bottles in different rooms in our house especially lounge so we moisturised whilst watching telly.

    Our challenge and testing time came when we moved house. The poor girl then aged 11years old, just woke up on new year’s eve with pitch black lips and eyelids. Initially, we thought she had eaten something that coloured her lips. Within a week, there was an aggressive flare up that got infected and wouldn’t respond effectively to steroids. She scratched the back of her neck and that quick y turned very ugly.

    Severe, oozing skin rash on black neck skin of a 11yr old female
    Skin rash- sensitive image

    It was time to see a dermatologist. What a fight that was to get NHS GP to refer. I fought like a mama bear that I am, was met with a lot of red tape and mis- diagnosis! Mind you I was now a fully qualified health visitor with extensive professional experience of supporting families with babies like mine. I had also become a professional champion for Eczema through the eczema Society.

    Believe it or not, I was the GP liaison health visitor for mY GP Practice, meaning I had professional links with the practice where we met once every month to discuss families registered on the practice with complex history and what support they were receiving as well as safeguarding concerns.

    I am not saying this meaning I needed preferential treatment rather to highlight the barriers families are facing today in our NHS. it takes a lot of will power and advocacy as a parent to be heard by professionals. Please don’t be discouraged and easily dismissed! As a parent, you know your child best, fight for their care.

    Even then, we needed antibiotics, days off school/ work. It was heartbreaking, stressful and frustrating. One Sunday afternoon, I took her to Accident and Emergency Department. I was fed up! Yes we waited 3hrs to be seen. Bloods were taken and thorough history as well as assessment was done. Her Vitamin D was very low 🙆🏽

    It turns out amongst cat allergens our baby girl had very low vitamin D levels. Since then we take Vitamin D supplements religiously in our house. Rightfully so! These sun pills are good for mental well being, reduces SAD and bone density in both young and old.

    Who knew what the magical African sun meant to us when we were growing up. Now I understand and appreciate why Africans are able to smile through life’s seasons 🌞🌞

    The department of health, recommends that people of African and Asian origin take vitamin D supplements throughout the year. You can buy these from the supermarket, boots or health shops such as holland and barratts. It’s important to follow the dose and stated by the department of health guidelines.

    When the sun is out, enjoy it.

    Resources:

    Vitamin D Guidelines from NHS-UK: https://www.nhs.uk/news/food-and-diet/the-new-guidelines-on-vitamin-d-what-you-need-to-know/

  • Loving your children

    A dear cousin sent me this amazing youtube clip and I had to share. Initially, I was going to copy and paste on social media, praying that it blesses someone like it did to me.

    There, in that process of doing that ,I begun to reflect in action. The message touched me, as a mom who struggles many a times to get it right with my children.

    The teaching of David Wilkerson sounded sincere, as a grandad wanting to impart some wisdom to the younger generation. Indeed, he did just that for me, hopefully for you too. I have sat many a times with colleagues and friends pouring our hearts out about the state of our society and children, the challenges we face and constraints that are seemingly in place to fail our children.

    If anything, like any mom, I want them to do well. The responsibility and requirements to parent seem colossal compared to when I was growing up. This clip doesn’t address that, however it explains on what I can do as mom, in this challenging environment. I now have to learn what I didn’t see or experience growing up and that has been and remains my biggest challenge.

    David Wilkerson shares is an undiluted truth on the responsibility of parents for our children and what’s happening in our society. We can do something and more with all the challenges we face. His message is, who is watching what’s coming into your home? What are we allowing our children to bring into our homes? We have the authority, responsibility and accountability of what comes in.

    I have been there and still do, where I have felt it’s me against the world, my children’s friends, media, different cultures, values, school etc. It is incredibly exhaustingly on all levels, I get it and know it too well. The world and its powers would want us to do just that, give in and give up. Our children are too precious to do that.

    Parents in diaspora, we now know how time poor we are and the scarcity of social networks to support us in our journey. For us, first generation migrants, parenting abroad is a new phenomenon with all its complexities. Those we relate to better, the ones we jumped ship with and swapped our identities for a better life, seem new and bewildered with the challenges we face. Where do we go from here?

    We work very hard and all hours at trying to make ends meet, ofcourse we have to pay the bills. Maybe, once the bills are paid and we have sent a little for the folks back home, maybe, we can just sit at home and listen to our children. Maybe, we can forgo a huge Christmas celebration and all the designer prezzies and just enjoy each other’s company while we watch the door. Maybe we can pay more attention to who our children are watching and listening to.

    It’s key to note that our children’s friends no longer come to knock on the door asking for our children to come out and play. How easy it was then, to approve or disapprove! It is no longer so, for those of us with teenagers and older children. Their friends are online, keeping them wide awake at night right in the four corners of our homes.

    I have spoken to friends who have managed to nail art of contouring their faces in a bid to enhance what God has given them. Their verdict is, it takes time but practice makes perfect. Getting it right with and for our children, I believe takes time and it’s worth it. When all is said and done, they grow quickly too.

    I also believe in the power of prayer. Gods says I have a heart for a praying parent. Your prayers are not in vain. We can have righteous anger for the lives and future of our children. Pray with conviction and without ceasing for the matters affecting them.

    I have also come to this understanding: may have less control of what happens out there but I have accountability of what comes through the doors of our home and that includes via internet.

    I also have a responsibility to model the life I expect of my children. I have to be at home mind/ body/ spirit to guard my house, no one else will.
    To all the parents , be alert and not sleep on the job.

    If you have observed palace guards you know how they take their responsibilities seriously. They know the value of what they are guarding. This dude here 👇🏾 at Prague Castle didn’t move or even smile at all despite all our antics. It’s because he was on duty and guarding what has been entrusted to him. So are we as parents.

    I pray that you make the time. I pray that you create the space to love and nurture your children in this busy world!


    ‭‭ ‭

    Do get in touch with Fadzai via this link if you need any help/ support/ strategy to become more intentional in your parenting journey

    David Wilkerson Sermon

    https://youtu.be/2AvQyCoVPKM

    Remain encouraged and intentional 🌱

  • My gift to my children


    August 2012 Olde Barn hotel.

    Thanks to Facebook for this reminder. What sweet memories!! These two have now grown very fast right before our eyes. We didn’t know THEN the memories we were creating and the rituals that have now become so ingrained as family traditions.

    I pray for our children. I pray that they will find kindness amongst their generation. I ask the Lord to be their shield and banner, to keep and sustain them. I pray that they will always find help when they need it. May the Lord surround them with sincere friends who will bring out the best in them. I commend them to the mercies of God for their future.

    I pray for our children that they find joy and happiness in what they put their minds, hearts and hands to do. May they know the satisfaction that comes from enduring hard work. I pray for the eternal blessing of knowing God and walking in His ordinances over our children. They are my greatest blessing and I am grateful to God.

    I pray that they will love and respect each other. I ask the Lord to bind them with cords of love that cannot be broken. I speak into their relationship, that they will be each other’s keeper. I ask for grace and strength into their lives, to champion one another in things that are meaningful and of good report.
    August 2012..Peterborough Cathedral.

    I ask the Lord that their lives be full, filled with hearts of service to His kingdom, His people and themselves. I pray for our children that they will remember their mother and father’s sacrifice. I pray that they will find those sacrifices worthwhile. I ask the Lord to give our children forgiving hearts for where we failed. I pray that our children will become better parents than we were. I pray that our children will treasure and honour our relationship with them.

    August 2017, Porto

    I pray that our children will find love. I ask the Lord that He will give them life partners that know Him first. I pray that our children will find time to laugh in those relationships.

    I thank God for our children. I thank Him for hearing and answering our prayers as parents.

    I will always pray for our children. Prayer is my gift to our children ❤

  • Summer-saults

    The saga continues

    So far summer has been bliss. The planning has taken the pressure of me in amazing ways. Prayer and lots of it has gone into this planning. The idea is to have an enjoyable and memorable summer. For us as parents, the reality of our children growing too fast and time sipping through our fingers has become such poignant truth.

    We are keen to make the memories of today meaningful both now and for generations to come. That takes time and being intentional. Intentional of our family time, activities we do or don't do together and how we spend time with other people. Being away from each is great, as the distance makes the heart grow fonder.

    An incident that happened during the half term taught me to be more organise when it comes to the children's time and their friends.

    What exactly happened was that I was sitting on the train, on my way to work when at exactly 8am, a text message came inviting my daughter for a shopping trip with a friend the following day. Of course, it was school half term and I had forgotten to fill this one day of the half term week with activities and appointments. The predicament was that I had said no to a couple of invitations before, to this particular dear friend. It was a matter of timing and other family commitments.
     

    I was well spent financially, and I would have needed to organise the pick up, drop off etc. Not what I expected on that day. My daughter thinks the world of this particular dear friend. Yes, they have recently started high school together and they 'clicked'.

    I had filled the 5 out of 7days in a week with things to do. We had friends over for bank holiday Monday. Both adults and children, enjoyed the company, conversations and cuisine. We then visited another dear friend, 50miles each way and had a truly magical time on that Tuesday. Forget the food bill befitting the 21st century 2 teen instagram postings. Come Wednesday, both children had play dates and a sleepover whilst I ran around chauffeuring them. I also busied myself with lastminute preparations for the new job the following day some miles away from home. Hubby was off  the next day and took our cherubs for bowling and eat out. Girl done good, I told myself.

    Until that morning and this text message, I had been absorbed in my own little world. I had done what most mothers do for their children. Since primary school days, I know how critical play dates are. My thinking was that at her  age my daughter can now sort her play dates. Since this was never mentioned at the agreed 'three days before' I assumed we were all fair and square.

    At this stage, I decided not to feel bad about it. I was on my second day in a new job, away from home. I was trying my best to make sense of my new world. My plate was full. In actual fact,  in my mind I had planned for a mother- daughter time at my mother church on the morrow. Great opportunity to see my wonderful mother Bishop/ mentor/ teacher and inteccessor and of course my delightful cousin sister and her two beautiful girls. My daughter does not think attending church events is really spending quality time with me. I totally get it.

    Personally, I feel it's a good opportunity to catch up with each other as well as other fellow like minded and inspiring sisters. A woman needs to be surrounded by like minded women, to inspire and challenge, so I tell her. We have managed to make the arrangement work with a lot of persuasion and bargaining. We alternate the dates, She comes with me to my events and next time we do something that she loves, usually fancy eat outs.

    Anyway, back to the text message. At 5:35 pm, I was back on the train on my way home. It dawned on me that I had not responded to the message. I had made this poor woman and her daughter wait 😟. Thats a no no. It does not help with the repertoire malarkey. Why does a mother have to go through all this?! You can imagine my emotional turmoil. At this stage I emotionally spent, having spent a solid 8hours trying to prove why I got the job and my worthiness. And now this. How do I say no to this invite and this late? I hate explaining myself in text messages for that matter. Is it not enough that I am trying to be a positive role model to my children,  organised,  working hard, making a difference and being balanced? I hate coming short. 

    I felt terrible for ruining my daughter's social life. How was she going to cope with no friends at school? What about missing out on all those instagram/ snapchat stories about the shopping weekend that she wasn't part of? Could this be emotional abuse or neglect? Who knows. At this point, life sucks. Don't mention how I was going to break it down to her when I got home! It's an emotional roller coaster.

    Somehow, there is a part in me that feels our daughter is fragile and vulnerable as a young woman. It's not a question of gender but the flaws in her personality. She thinks well of everyone, very trusting at the same time incredibly opiniated. Furthermore, some of big brother's experiences have left us slightly wary of these social outings. We allow him because he is 17years old and soon to go and find his space in the adult world in no time. The boy needs to practice being responsible and accountable so we tell ourselves.

    I remember vividly another culture shock incident that happened when our daughter was in primary school aged 5years. I had agreed to a play date only to cancel it on the day a few hours before because of other family commitments.  In my own head, I didn't think it was a problem. However,  this wasn't the case with her friend who went on to have a full melt down. The whole thing was a mess to say the least. You can imagine how unhappy the mother was. Luckily, I explained my oversight and she was willing to fill me in on my cultural gap. Never again, have I done that!

    This culture around play dates can be very complex and intimidating. It is critical that I send the right message to my children without disrespecting their friends as well as the friends' parents. My children are also learning about managing social dynamics. O what a cobweb we weave!

    As mothers, we have to be kind to ourselves. There is no such thing called perfect parenting but good parenting.  I have learnt that saying no is a good thing for them as well. So in the end it was finalised that there was not going to be a shopping trip. 

    I owe her friend a date, thankfully that's all sorted. Here is to us off to write our own story in the sand.

     

    Lessons I have personally learnt:

    – Your children need friends, it's a basic human need. It's important to know who they befriend. Birds of the same feather flock together and that is so true. As they grow older it's good to guide them to make that fundamental decision themselves. 

    High school play dates and dynamics can be a tsunami. We are trying to work it all out and it's a journey we have to go through with our youngest. What makes it all complex is the little connection we have with their friends and their families. When they were in primary school, we knew the parents from the playground and we arranged the play dates as mothers.

    Now we are having to rely on what our children tell us about their friends. Yes, some of them you meet them with their parents at the parents evening etc. There is not enough time nor conducive atmosphere to sass each other out and work through the layers, masks and airs that we carry as parents on such occasions.

    The lack of time, to be involved in school activities, PTA, bingo and quiz nights doesn't help. How do we create that time as first generation migrant families? How do we prioritise our children without neglecting our parents and even ourselves?

    – Living in a diverse and multi-cultural society, it can present a lot of challenges. As a mom, follow your gut instinct. A good friend and their family will respect your family values and beliefs.

    -Be organised and proactive about dates, sleepovers etc. For me the idea of our daughter being invited all the time is what I struggle with. My idea of summer break/ school holiday/ half term is for us as a family to catch up. Up until now, I assumed that was absolutely fine. So I'm taking the initiative to invite.

    – It also transpires that play dates are mostly for childcare purposes. Sad as it may sound, it's the truth.

    -Activities do not have to cost an arm and a leg. Best things in life are still free ; libraries, museums, picnics, church activities and a walk in the woods. National Trust membership is a great bargain for history and culture activities.

    – Holiday breaks are not a luxury but a necessity. With good planning,they shouldn't cost a fortune. 

    – Comminicate, communicate and comunicate. 

    -Be compassionate; Understand and emphathise with your children. It's hard trying to fit in. Teenagers especially, due to their brain development struggle with identity, worse off if there is culture clash. Be in their world, invite their friends over and get to know them.

    – Encourage them to take up sports, arts or other extra curriculum activities. This is an investment that pays for itself.

    – Choose your battles carefully. The adage ' better to win the war than battle' cannot be emphasised.

    Happy holidays x

    Hope makes a way ❤